i cannot. the thought of the younger days while walking along pasarmalam just bring tears into my eyes.
still remember how me and sis fought over a $5 note and tore it. just because we wanted to buy a tweety bird mirror comb thingey.
come to think of it, i was really wilful when i was younger, crying and whining to get what i want. the portable scooter, just because my childhood playmate has it, i want it too. how much you have slogged to bring us up. though mom always complain you only care about uncle’s family, i know you care for us too, i am sure.
now that i have grow up and started working, i understand how mentally tiring is it to work (and i am only sitting in the office). you are always out under the hot sun, or even stormy days. but what i do when i was a kid was just to spend your hard earned money on my own luxury and useless things. i really really feel bad now, but everything is too late. there is no more chance to repay all the money you have spend on me for 19 years of my life.
though i always think you loved sis more, i still want to be your daughter in my next life. will i have the chance to repay you?
gotta stop here. my tears cant stop flowing, and i am at work. nobody must see me crying.
Call me a petty or what so ever, but I really hate it when people point fingers at me.
Just got pointed at, though jokingly, but I got really irritated.
I never do that to anyone so I really wish that no one will ever do that to me again.
When you ‘open’ your heart to people, you’re not sure when they will ‘betray’ you. Your half jokes were misunderstood.
I swore I’ve never spoken ill of you before. When other people tell me stories about you, I will even explain on your behalf, though deep down I pretty much agree with them. But that’s what I got in return.
Times like this just validate the point of me being an introvert. What for making small talks when all they want to hear are just gossips.
In this world today, you can never trust anyone but yourself.
I don’t know about you, but as an introvert, I seem to have two modes of conversation: I spew all the thoughts that have built up in my head or I say hardly anything at all. In Mode #1, I give the false impression that I’m an extrovert. In Mode #2, people wonder if I’m upset or bored. Sometimes people ask if I’m okay, to which I reply, confused, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Other times they comment on how quiet I am—but this just makes me feel even more self-conscious.
So what’s really going on when I’m quiet? Here’s what might be happening:
1. I can’t think of anything to say. I really can’t. My mind has gone blank and the silence that is stretching out awkwardly is simply serving to intensify my mind paralysis. I have so many thoughts—or do I have none at all? I can’t tell. Those thoughts take the form of images, hunches, emotions, and fragments of phrases, but sometimes they just don’t coalesce into words.
2. I’m focused on something else. How should I delicately word this email so I don’t sound like a jerk? What should I order for dinner? When I’m trying to think through something, I go silent. I turn inward and attend to my own thoughts. It’s hard for me to concentrate on more than one thing at a time, because my brain seems made to dive deep and focus intensely. Give me a few minutes to finish my mental task, and then I’ll be talking again.
3. Group conversations are too much. Everyone is talking. There are too many people here. It’s so loud. What did you say? This conversation is moving fast and there’s no time for me to think. I’m sick of small talk—I wish I could find one person to talk to in a meaningful way.
4. There’s an interesting world inside my head. As an introvert, I’m a natural observer. I observe people, relationships, nature, situations—everything. Whatever I see and hear and experience enters my mind and stays there for a while. Some people label this behavior “overthinking” (and yes, sometimes I do get stuck on negative thoughts). But to me, thinking is what I do best. But I can’t talk and reflect at the same time.
5. I don’t feel like you respect my ideas. This happens to me every once in a while. I’m sure it happens to both introverts and extroverts. But sometimes I feel like it’s not worth bringing up something I care about because I don’t think the other person will get it. Maybe I talked about something personal but the other person made me feel stupid for opening up to them. I felt worse after talking to them, not better. This means I will become quieter and quieter around that person.
6. Actually, I’m not fine. Something bad happened. I’m upset. I didn’t get the job or I got in a fight with my boyfriend. Maybe everything just seems to be going wrong today. But I don’t want to talk about The Problem right now. I need to think about it for a while. Probably later—once I’ve had time to process—I’ll talk.
7. I’m politely trying to end this conversation but the other person isn’t getting the hint. Ok, enough! Stop! I like to listen, but not this much. I get especially annoyed when people repeat themselves. Or when the conversation is just a list of complaints. I’m about to do the un-introvert thing and interrupt you!
8. I’m tired. I promise I’m not upset with you, I just didn’t sleep well last night. My mind is foggy, my body feels gross, and I’m struggling to make it through the day. I have limited “people” energy on a normal day, but today I’m running on empty.
9. I was daydreaming. Sorry! What did you say?
10. I’m peopled out. The weekend was too busy. I’ve been under siege at work, school, and home and I haven’t gotten enough alone time. I want to be alone, or with just one other trusted person like my significant other. I just don’t feel like myself. I need time to focus on my own thoughts and feelings and fill myself back up mentally and emotionally. Trust me, after a few hours (or days) to myself, I’ll be bubbling over with things to say—I’ll be back in Mode #1.
When an introvert is quiet, don’t assume he is depressed, snobbish or socially deficient. — Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength retina_favicon1